That's not Positive!

When I took one look at my middle-aged brother on Christmas Eve in 2013, I thought, “He looks like a cadaver. He looks like the walking dead. What is wrong? What is he going to tell us today?” 

He never made an announcement that day. I asked him how he felt and he said, “Fine – and you?” Benign answer. I didn’t think I should ruin Christmas by telling him he looked like hell. Maybe he’s just getting older – we all look a little worse for wear eventually.

By Valentine’s Day he had been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, and his cancer journey began.

My youngest sister reacted to the stress of the situation like I did - by not eating. I think both of us dropped fifteen or twenty pounds apiece. We could afford to, so it was no big deal. There were days that I really felt like I could not eat a thing. How could I take sustenance when my brother was dying? I just couldn’t. I got sick to my stomach the day my sister told me the news, but the rest of the weight loss was mostly just lack of appetite.

Another reason for my weight loss was the fact that in the back of my head, I just knew all along I would be a marrow match for him out of his four sisters, simply because we were physically more similar than he was to my other sisters. Therefore, our DNA was closer; therefore, I would be more likely to be a match, right? I know that’s a stretch, but however faulty the reasoning was, I knew I needed to lose weight, get healthier, and be prepared for a bone marrow transplant. As it turned out, I am the one sister out of four that is a match. I will gladly do it if and when he needs it.

In my ongoing weight loss, I did notice there was an area with more dense tissue on my left breast. I have had mastitis in the past, and still have what I would call scar tissue from it, but it is just really solid areas of tissue. All of my mammograms have always been normal. These dense areas were watched over the years, which was a little easier to do with the new 3D mammograms, but since I have no history of breast cancer in my family, and I was completely asymptomatic, I passed every test.

What was different and disturbing this time was when I noticed that my left nipple seemed to want to point off to the left, kind of like Marty Feldman’s eye. I knew that was a very definite sign of an abnormal growth, but I thought in my prayers, “ Please, God, I really need to help get my brother through his cancer battle. He is not married, does not have kids, and I know you know this, but all of the sisters are helping out and we are all just really maxed out. There is no way my family can take on the burden of another cancer diagnosis at this time. So, God, if you could just let us get through his fundraising auction, and get him through all of his chemo, I’ll take the time for myself and get another mammogram.”

In the late summer I had to take an emergency trip to Osage Beach in Lake of the Ozarks with one girlfriend to meet four more girlfriends for a super-size GNO - the extended, week-long version. “Please, God, just let me take one more trip with my girlfriends before my life is ruined with a mammogram. We both know that they need a designated driver everywhere they go, and I am that driver”.

Then it was fall and school was starting up for my two youngest sons. “Please, God, just let me get my boys settled in middle school – it is only their second year in public school and middle school is still the stratified pit of voracious vipers that it was when I was in junior high. School is tough. Going through adolescence is worse. They need me more than they are willing to admit to help them through this transition.” 

I had just been hired on part-time at the public library a few steps from my apartment and I didn’t want to get cut from the ranks before my probationary period was over. “Please, God, I LOVE working at the library. I think I’ve found my tribe. They really need me there and with only handful of part-time employees, I really can’t start taking time off for medical reasons. Just let me get settled into a routine and maybe get some regular days scheduled and then I’ll schedule the mammogram.” 

I hadn’t had a mammogram since 2010 but finally in early November, 2014, I made it happen. When I learned it was abnormal, I went back in for an ultra sound and a needle biopsy. The radiologist called to tell me that my biopsy was positive. “Oh thank goodness. What a relief. I shouldn’t have kept postponing this” were the words that came tumbling out of my mouth in a flood of emotions. “No…uhhhh… I’m very sorry Mrs. Ghormley, that means the pathology of the growth shows that it is positive for cancer cells. You do have breast cancer.” Oh. Crap. It had completely escaped my consciousness that “positive” in medical vernacular did not mean it was a good thing.

The thing that I want everyone who is reading this blog to realize is this: You can't bargain with God. We all make prayers like that and we have since we were little kids. No one has time for cancer. Everyone's life is too busy. When it is all said and done, you still can't make a deal for what is behind door number three. God doesn't barter.

"Please, God, just let me have this Transformer on my birthday and I will never think bad thoughts about my brother again." 

"Please, God, I know I am speeding, but just keep me safe this one time (even though it is deer season and the roads are icy) so I can make it to work on time. And keep all of the idiots off the road while you are at it."

"Please, God, my family and friends really, really need me."