Et Catuli Leonis

I was standing in a field of waving gold ... wheat stalks in South Dakota? African plain? I had no idea. all I knew was that it was gold as far as I could see. If I was facing twelve on the clock, there was a small, gnarled tree at ten o'clock and another, slightly larger one at one o'clock. Other than that, there was not a single thing in sight except for 360 degrees of swaying gold and the blue sky above, dropping to hem the horizon at some unreachable point.

I was aware of movement directly in front of me, about fifty yards away, coming towards me at a fast rate. From the single path in the separations in the golden grass, broke off three more paths, two to my right and one to my left. My heart was racing and I stopped walking. Looked left. Looked right. Looked back to front and realized they were stalking lionesses. Rapidly low crawling through the bristly ground cover to not only flank me, but take up position directly behind me. 

I was frozen with fear. No place to run. No place to hide. The small trees I could see off in the distance were an impossible to reach goal, and I am not sure what good it would have done for me anyway. Even if I could outrun four stalking lionesses (I can't outrun anything!), and made it up a tree, I had nothing with which I could hold them off. They could come right up the tree after me, or lay around on the ground and just wait for their meal to fall off the branch from exhaustion or dehydration. Hopefully, I would be dead before I hit the ground and the feast began.

Standing and trembling, I remained in the center of their focus as they slowed down their pursuit. They didn't stop at all. They were still closing in at a steady pace from the four points of the compass. I continued to watch the progress of the one in front of me, as she somehow seemed to be the leader. We were staring into each other's eyes. Twenty yards. Ten yards. Sower, slower ... until she was only five yards away, and still she kept coming. I could hear that the other three were doing the same thing, but I did not turn to look at them.

I could see the bundled muscles under her beautiful coat. Kinetic energy, just waiting to devour me. As she kept moving toward me, I did what any terrified human would do right before being hit by a car, or a train, or even a wall of water from a tsunami. I held my hands, palms down and out in front of me, as if that could stop the mega-tonnage of force that was about to take your life from you. And I closed my eyes, turned my head slightly away, tucking my chin into my left shoulder, and prayed fervently. I heard the grass snapping and breaking on all four sides of me as I remained frozen. I wondered if all four would attack at once or if the other three would allow the leader in front of me to have the first bite.

As I heard a moan of fear escape from my throat, I couldn't stand the suspense and cracked open my right eye just the tiniest bit and saw ... the lioness sniffing the fingertips on my right hand. Making sure the appetizer is fresh? Wondering what vintage year I was from? She was still crouched into a bundle of tensed muscles when she did the most amazing thing ... she nudged her face up into the palm of my hand, just like a big domestic feline. Both of my eyes opened now and I started scratching her between her own eyes and up onto her forehead. She relaxed and came closer so I could run my hand down her back. I looked at the other three and they were just laying in the sunny grass, looking relaxed and completely sated. Maybe they had all just eaten and were going to save me for later? I was good with that call. More than good with that call. It was then that I realized that they did not come to destroy me, they came to shield me and care for me. They were my protectresses: women who guard or defend someone or something.

I woke up with a start and a racing heart. I started thinking about the lionesses in my life. I am so blessed to have a list that far exceeds four. I can't begin to enumerate and thank each and every one of you, but you know you are in my heart. 

Oh, and yeah, I also know I have some pretty serious lions out there as well, and again, far more than four. Perhaps you will show up in a different dream. I love you all.

(By the way, "et catuli leonis" is Latin for "lion and lioness".)
 

Confirmed: Fatty Globs are Benign

In a phone call from the doctor yesterday it was confirmed that the three fatty globs removed from near my triceps in outpatient surgery last week are, in fact, completely benign tumors and have no trace of cancer whatsoever. Yay!

On another topic, I was also told that my daily anti-nausea meds were going to be changed, which makes me a little bit nervous. Rather than being nauseated, I have lately been experiencing more of what I would describe as just bad heartburn, an upper g.i. tract kind of heat. They had told me previously that I could just take an OTC antacid for this. I have and it hasn't been helping. So the plan is to get something stronger for the burn and see if that helps. As long as the uncontrollable vomiting doesn't return (which it hasn't for this second round of chemo), I am willing to try new scrips.

Now, if they could only come up with a prescription that would make all of my food and drink taste "normal" again, I would feel like I have hit the pharmaceutical jackpot.

Crayola Doesn't Make These Colors

Some very strange things have been happening to me while undergoing chemotherapy. I mean strange in addition to excessive vomiting ( we seem to have that mostly curbed), hair loss, a strange of sense of taste (it's like I have had a tongue transplant and the taste buds are different, a twisted sense of smell, etc.

These are all things I had fairly regularly heard of associated with chemo. I was not prepared for how it has affected my eyes.

After the first round of chemo I noticed that my eyes had problems focusing. I figured I would be able to happily read my way through a very tall stack of books to keep myself busy as I went through treatment. Buuzzzzzzz - wrong. I can read some, but my focal point doesn't even stay in the same spot. Add that to the  general jitteriness I felt in all of my limbs and I just couldn't hold a book still unless there were pillows propped around my arms. Oh well, I didn't really have the attention span to get into a good novel anyway, so I started reading through some of the non-fiction I had waiting in small bursts.

After the second round of chemo, and with all of the new anti-emetics I am on, my eyes are definitely on drugs. My left eye is completely out of whack. From five feet away a person will have four eyes. All of them are slightly out of focus in different degrees. But the strangest thing happened when my husband was driving us home from an athletic event in another town.

You know how headlights and taillights always have kind of a starburst affect at night? That was happening to me, but in a greatly magnified manner. As headlights approached, they were huge chrysanthemum-like burst of intense white lights - almost as if I was seeing a firework explode on the ground right next to me. Many, many pointed star points on the outer rim of the burst. Also, these multiple tips of the burst had very cool colors burning on the edges - blues, purples, greens. Newer, halogen headlights seemed to be more colorful than an older style headlight. Very strange and beautiful. It was happening with the red taillights also, but it was not as intense as the white headlights, and there were no colors on the edges.

I had mentioned the first differences to my oncologist and he said that chemo can affect every single process in your body. He did tell me to not go out and buy glasses, though, because it would very likely be just like hair loss. It will almost certainly come back, but it might not be the same as before chemo. He told me to buy cheaters to read if I want, but don't get prescription lenses, because it will probably change after chemo is done. I also asked my sister who worked for eye doctors for years and years and she said the same thing - could be the chemo, could be the hormones that are changing during that time. Get glasses if you want, but you will likely need a different prescription by the time you are done with treatment.

I have not worn glasses, not even cheaters, my whole life. If I need to get some prescription glasses after treatment is done, I already have my eye on some vintage, cat-eye frames that will hold new lenses.

Fatty globs are GONE!

Yesterday on Tuesday January 20th, I went in for outpatient surgery to remove the fatty, benign tumors from underneath the tricep, near the inside elbow of my right arm. I didn't know until I talked to the surgeon that morning that they had decided to take them out of both arms (I have a smaller one in the same spot on the left arm. Again, the worst case scenario is that these are lymph nodes that are out of whack and not in the exact right spot, As the surgeon said with a big grin on his face, "If these turn out to be lymph nodes with breast cancer cells in them, you're going to have several papers written about you!"

Yippee! I did not have a general, just a local, so it was a little strange to be awake for most of that. The positioning was weird as they had to hold my arms kind of over my head as well, pinned down to trays like flying buttresses. But it went quickly and and I was back at Michelle's by about noonish and soon she drove me home. Will helped me changed the first layer of bandages this morning and the final layer will come off in four days.

Am still very happily to be nausea free, even with the hydrocodone that they always give me after surgery. That has always been a bucket-worth med for me, as well as any other narcotic pain relievers. Not this time.

We are supposed to hear by Friday what pathology says about the growths.

New and Improved chemo ... whew!

The second round of chemo on Friday the 16th was accompanied by an additional horde of anti-emetics, and for the most part they did the trick. I had Zofran, just like the first time, but got a double dose this time, in addition to EMEND, which is the heavy hitter that lasts for three days, and then Ativan mixed with the steroid Decadron to help boost it all.

I was so out of it I had a hard time walking straight, focusing my eyes, and still have a hard time typing. I vomited once Sunday and once Monday, so I am scoring this round a win.

Marbles and Acorns and Walnuts - Oh, My!

Constipation. That's all I have to say about that.

Fatty globs of what?

Yesterday was my ultrasound on what the doc thinks is a lipoma (benign, fatty tumor) on the upper inside of my right elbow. I have another one on my left arm, but it is higher and more towards the back of my arm, right over the tricep.

I discovered these myself after I was looking at a chart of the lymph system. I know that finding swollen lymph nodes would be a very bad thing when associated with breast cancer, and that this is how the cancer can spread to the rest of your body - through the lymph system. I know the lymph system travels the entire body, but I didn't know that I had lymph nodes just above my elbows. I thought all the ones near your breasts were just in your armpits, across your collar bone, and in your neck. The chart shows more of them on the inside of your arm, just above the bend of your elbow.

I knew that I had a lump on the inside of my upper right arm. It has been there for several months. Maybe a year or more. It has never bothered me. I always assumed it was some sort of fatty deposit. I have a fatty deposit near my left wrist, and again, it's never bothered me.

I knew a man who had so many of these that he looked like he had marbles just below the surface of his skin all up and down his arms. He told me his doctor had told him that they were fat deposits and not to worry about them unless they caused him pain of some kind. I did what anyone would do and accepted his doctor's diagnosis for my own singular, fatty deposit on my wrist.

When I saw on the diagram that there were lymph nodes above the elbows I immediately palpated the one on my right arm. It definitely felt larger and was definitely more sore and tender than it has been in the past, but only when manipulating it. Then I started feeling all around the back of my left arm, and was completely surprised to find another tender, swollen area, this one higher on my tricep and more at the back of my arm.

Since that makes a pair, I have to assume that maybe my lymph nodes are just in the wrong spot. I called my oncologist to let him know. He told me that in 23 years of treating cancer he had never seen breast cancer cells travel to the elbow lymph nodes. He explained the lymph nodes kind of work like little, filtering sponges, catching and trapping things before they move through the body's lymph system. This is why the cancer cells are "caught" in the armpit, collarbone, and neck nodes - they are the ones closest to the breasts. They have repeatedly palpated those three areas and ask about them every time I have been in to see them, but no one has ever checked or asked about inside my elbows.

I was making a trip to DSM the following day and asked if I could just stop in and have him take a quick look. He said sure, so I did. He examined all of the usual node locations as he has done in the past, with the addition to the elbow ones. The one on my left arm is small - I had to find it twice and show him exactly where to palpate. He repeated all of the same information he had told me on the phone: It is highly unlikely that first of all, those are even my lymph nodes, and second of all, that they would have filtered and collected breast cancer cells that would have run right by the armpit nodes. Just to be certain he said they would do an ultrasound but on the right arm only, since he can barely feel the one on the left.

While I was laying on the table talking to the ultrasound tech (her name was Karri), I was able to get a little information out of her. She told me the size was 2.5 cm, or about an inch. She also warned me when she was going to press down fairly hard on it, but that was something she was supposed to do. I asked why and she explained that they want to know if the tumor compresses or if it stays fairly hard or firm. Mine was staying firm. It was a nice, short ultrasound visit.

After my oncologist had a chance to review the ultrasound and talk to the radiologist late yesterday afternoon, he called me. He told me that he still thinks this is a lipoma. He said there is no blood supply to the tumor, which is about 1" across. It does not "squish" when being compressed, which is good. However, the ultrasound revealed another, smaller tumor under the big one and this one does have a blood supply, and it does "squish" when the bigger tumor is being pressed into it. What that means is that this secondary tumor is alive and growing. The radiologist (and no one else for that matter) can't tell simply from an ultrasound what these tumors are or are not. His position is that since the patient has a history of cancer, all abnormal growths should be looked at as having the potential of being cancerous. (It took me a minute while listening to the oncologist relay this to me that he was referring to me as the "patient".)

The only sure way to know is to do a needle biopsy on both tumors, or to do outpatient surgery (probably even just local anesthesia) and just remove them both. The oncologist said if it was his decision, he would have the surgery done so that they could do a complete pathology on both tumors and have definitive knowledge on both. Again, he stated that he would be "stunned" (his word) if either of these show cancer cells.

I agreed with him and want to take them completely out. I know I have at least one more in my left arm. If the pathology is clean on the ones that are removed, then I won't have to worry about the one that remains. I will meet with him before my chemo treatment this Friday and we will try to get this outpatient surgery scheduled between my chemo treatments, but obviously not during the time frame that my white and red blood cell counts will be way down.

That is all I know so far on the "fatty globs".